Short Answers

By Jeff Johnson and Paula Forman

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES

Dear Short Answers:
I desperately want to live in a foreign country for at least a year. I don’t really know why, I just do. My wife thinks that I’m crazy and refuses to discuss this. We both have good jobs and neither one of them has an overseas presence that would allow us to transfer. We’d have to quit our jobs and start over wherever we go. Would it be wrong for me to move to Europe on my own and try to find a job in the hope that my wife would follow once I get settled? I don’t want this to be the end of our marriage but I don’t want to give up on my dream either.
Discouraged and Disheartened

Dear D&D:
Start with some hard truth.  Do you really understand the reasons for her resistance? Do you really understand why you want to go? Understanding is a better place to start than leaving. If you move on your own, our bet is that she won’t follow — is that what you really want? Talk it over.

ALL IN GOOD TIME

Dear Short Answers:
I am certain that son (who is 19) is gay but he has never said anything to me about this. How do I convince him that he should talk to me and that he shouldn’t try to keep this to himself? I want to be a part of his life and he’s not letting me.
Mom

Dear Mom:
Let him know that he is “okay with you” and he will come home. Consider the possibility that it is not you he has the issue with. But the same advice pertains.

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

Dear Short Answers:
When my niece was about 12 years old, her mother (my sister-in-law) was placed in a mental institution and, as far as I know, is still there. I really don’t have much contact with that side of the family and it’s not a topic that we ever really discussed. My niece was never told this and thinks her mother was killed in a car accident. My niece is now in her 20s and a couple of weeks ago at a family gathering, I accidentally let it slip about where her mother really is. Everybody flipped out and my brother wants me to pay for therapy for my niece. I realize I made a mistake but did they really think they could (OR SHOULD) keep this a secret forever? I said I would pay for a couple of sessions but no more. I can’t change what I said. What do you think the right thing to do is now?
KDF

Dear KDF:
Our view is that family secrets are generally lethal and are best outed. It would have been better to have discussed a plan for telling your niece with the others involved but now that it’s done, it is everyone’s job – not just yours – to help your niece manage this information. Perhaps a few sessions of family therapy for ALL of you is in order.

THINGS THAT NEST IN THE NIGHT

Dear Short Answers:
Do you fear death?
A Friend

Dear Friend:
Not today.

Life is complicated. “Short Answers” isn’t.

Send a question about whatever is bothering you to [email protected] or go to www.shortanswers.net and a psychologist and sociologist will answer. A selection of the best questions will be printed every week in KonkLife.

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