Return To Sender

 

By Jeff Johnson And Paula Forman

 

Dear Short Answers:
A distant relative recently passed away and the man’s daughter (my second cousin) asked me if there was anything that I would like as a memento of my “uncle.” I wrote her back that I would love one of his watches since he was an avid watch collector and had many wonderful pieces. A few weeks later, I received a watch in the mail with a bill for $2,000!!! I was flabbergasted!! Should I just ignore the bill and see what happens or should I put the whole thing back in the mail to my cousin?
JEP 

 

Dear JEP:
Pack it up and send it back with a lovely note saying that you “misunderstood” her question and explain that although you would have enjoyed a memento, the cost is too dear.

THE HOOKER AND THE HOUND

 

Dear Short Answers:
I’m pretty sure that my neighbor is a prostitute — at the very least, she is extremely promiscuous. She has men in and out of her house at all hours of the day & night. The problem is that my dog barks whenever a car pulls in or out and my hooker neighbor complains. She asked me to keep the dog inside or put a muzzle on it. I think her profession makes it difficult for her to cast stones. So I just ignore her. Who’s right?
Irritated Neighbor

 

Dear IN:
Tell her you won’t fuss about the hooking if she don’t fuss about the howling.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

 

Dear Short Answers:
Now that my kids are grown and out of the house, I have the luxury of having THREE guest rooms.  Since I live fairly close to the ocean, I have a lot of friends who love to stay with me for a few days in the summer.  My problem is how to “assign” the guest rooms if more than one person is staying with me at the same time.  Only one has it’s own bathroom and another one is really small.  ”First come first served” works great but if they arrive at the same time, what do I do?  Age before beauty?  Or do I let them fight it out between themselves?
Hostess with an Issue

 

Dear Hostess:
Try asking your guests when you invite them which room they prefer.  Or just assign them.  It doesn’t matter. They are GUESTS.

JUST DON’T EAT IT

 

Dear Short Answers:
Just about everybody in my family is fat – including me. I’m in high school and I’m desperate to lose weight but if I don’t eat everything my mom puts in front of me I get yelled at. I know I have to eat better when I’m not at home, but it’s hard to be good during the day then pig out at night. I get no support from anybody. How do I lose weight when I live with a family of pigs?
Piglet

 

Dear Piglet:
In the U.S. of A. it is not required to eat everything that is put in front of you. Be subtle, be sneaky to start with – there is no need to make a speech to your family. Once you have a whiff of thinner – you’ll know what to do. (Just don’t eat it)

DEPARTMENT OF “LET US KNOW”

 

Dear Short Answers:
If you eat a lot of carrots will your skin turn a different color?
Pink, Currently

 

Dear PC:
What color are you hoping to be?

Life is complicated. “Short Answers” isn’t.

 

Send a question about whatever is bothering you to [email protected] or go to www.shortanswers.net and a psychologist and sociologist will answer. A selection of the best questions will be printed every week in KonkLife.

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