Short Answers

By Jeff Johnson and Paula Forman

 

ADDICTION

Dear Short Answers: My boyfriend told me that he would quit smoking for my birthday (which was last July). I think he might have stopped for a day or two but he is definitely smoking again because I can smell it on him. I teased him about it and he just laughed and told me I was wrong. Do you think that I should keep pushing him? Or just forget it and admit that he’s addicted and always will be? Hitched to a Smoker

Dear Hitched: In our experience, addicts don’t give up their vice for someone else — not drugs, alcohol or tobacco.  It is also our experience that if pushed into a promise to abstain, they will go to surprising lengths to fool others — even themselves.  You can tell him that it is important to you but understand that no matter how much he loves you, he will have to reach the decision to quit on his own.

 

BAD NIGHT OR BAD JUJU?

Dear Short Answers: I had dinner with a good friend last night and all he did was talk about himself. Really … all evening   Me, me, me. I wanted to scream. How do you get a person to stop doing that? Snide remarks and sarcasm did no good at all. So Bored

Dear Bored: If this is not his usual behavior, then forget about it. If he is typically all about him — reconsider the value of the relationship to you.

 

OH NO, THIS AGAIN

Dear Short Answers: Every one around me is gearing up for the holidays and I am so not feeling it!  I love my family and do my very best to stay in touch and hear their concerns, but the thought of all of them banging up against one another (not to mention all that work) is making me tense already — which never brings out the best in me. Here is what I was thinking: I know a needy family — I would like to buy a ham or a turkey for them (even that seems problematic — will they be insulted?) and fly someplace with just my husband for four days.  Just a fantasy really — I can’t do it.  People are counting on me and plans have been made months ago. What do I do with the feelings so I behave well? Noreen

Dear Noreen: Good for you for knowing how you feel — that is step number one. Try enlisting others in all phases of the process. Tell everyone who is capable, what you want from them and when — make a chart and include shopping, menu, house prep, serving, clean-up, house restored, etc. All these things take work and we tend to think it’s just the food.  Dragging in the groceries, cleaning the house so that there is room for everyone, moving chairs from all over to fit around tables, cooking, serving, elder care, baby care and of course clean up and putting everything away afterwards.  If you do nothing but manage the others that is still a lot of work — and who knows, they might like it! Family generally want to help they just don’t know exactly what to do. As for the needy family, follow your heart. And the 4-day get away with your husband — move that to the top of another list. Maybe even next year. Good luck, honey.

 

ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS, DARLING

Dear Short Answers: Is it wrong to wish that your ex-boyfriend die in the most painful way possible? Still Angry

Dear Angry: Yeah, it’s wrong. Do something constructive with your anger — go for a run, learn Karate, or better yet, get involved in a project that will do good for others.

 

Life is complicated. “Short Answers” isn’t.

 

Send a question about whatever is bothering you to [email protected] or go to www.shortanswers.net and a psychologist and sociologist will answer. A selection of the best questions will be

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