Sperm Theory of Life

By Richard Boettger

Along the lines of my late-in-life conversion to happy news, I’d like to share with you the most uplifting insight I’ve come up with in a lifetime of overthinking everything. Here it is: you, and I mean all of you, won a prize more valuable that the richest lottery on earth.  It was the prize of life itself.

A shocking perspective to appreciate about your very existence is that you started out as one out of millions of sperms, yes, I mean a teeny little mass of DNA with a crazy wiggling tail, hauling ass up a woman’s Fallopian tubes in search of the Holy Egg Grail somewhere ahead.  You had millions of competitors.  Most of the time, all of you had no egg anywhere to be had.

But somehow, you, all of you, by the very fact that you are alive to read this, are THE ONE that made it to nail that big ol’ egg.  Let this sink in.  This is the most stunning fact of all of our lives.  We were born lucky—and not just lucky, but having deserved winning the grand race of life before we were even alive at all.  No wonder we are so optimistic and proud of ourselves.

Talk about a reason to respect our Fellow Man.  We are ALL winners.  The most stupid, out of shape, crippled—oh oh, I better stop here, or I am going to have the PC police down on me—started life as every bit as much of the Grandest Prize winner as we are ourselves.  We ought to form a club, the club of Speediest Sperm Racers, and we are all members, optimistically proud and full of ourselves. Thus endeth the cheerful epistle of the day.

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