Wining the Keys – A Key West Wine Quiz
`I originally wrote this column back in ’07 and one friend reminded me of it, said it was his favorite of all time and begged me to repeat it and this time; I’ve added a bunch of new terms! So, if you find yourself offended, it’s my friend’s fault. See if you can figure out the correct answers! (Give yourself extra points if you pick the wrong one.)
Lipase
a) The polite way to say that someone is a brown noser.
b) An enzyme that catalyzes the hydrolysis of triglycerides to yield glycerol and fatty acids (oh yeah, that’s perfectly clear.)
Estufagem
a) What ancient Romans did when they couldn’t find any women.
b) A winemaking process peculiar to the making of Madeira and sometimes used in the making of Sherry. This process consists of heating the otherwise finished wine in an “oven” (estufa) for a prolonged period.
Punching Down
a) What happens if you try to estufagem someone who isn’t receptive.
b) The process of pushing the cap of skins, seeds and pulp down into the juice during fermentation.
Demijohn
a) A midget who enjoy hookers.
b) A large-bodied, small-mouthed, long-necked wine bottle, usually covered with wicker, used to store wine or as a secondary fermentation vessel.
Bung Hole
a) We ain’t even going there!
b) The hole in wine barrel where the bung, or plug, is inserted to seal the barrel.
Dosage
a) That shit that I bought down at Circle Crack last night at 3:00 am.
b) The liqueur, or sugar dissolved in reserve wine, added to the Champagne just before final corking.
Cleanskin
a) Da way I like my woman.
b) In Australia, wine bottled without a commercial label, usually sold cheaply in bulk quantities.
Racking Hose
a) I’m sorry, I just can’t go there either (but the first thing that came to mind was John Holmes.)
b) A flexible, clear plastic hose, usually 3/8 inch in inner diameter, used to siphon wine from one vessel to another.
Flocculation
a) What teenage boys due with the bathroom door locked.
b) The process of settling or compacting of lees or sediment.
Dégorgement
a) What happens after flocculation.
b) The disgorging or removal of sediment from bottles that results from secondary fermentation
Isinglass
a) Where da wine be!
b) A transparent and pure form of gelatin fining agent obtained from the air bladder of certain fish, especially the sturgeon
Vinho
a) What you call a girl who really likes wine.
b) The Portuguese word for wine.
Flagon
a) What happens when the crew doesn’t obey.
b) A glass bottle that holds two liters of (usually inexpensive) table wine (bring on the Carlo Rossi Paisano.)
Maceration
a) What happens after she puts on the latex Annette Funicello Mickey Mouse costume (she gets to put the ears anywhere she likes!)
b) The period of time grape juice spends in contact with the skins and seeds.
Hogshead
a) What I woke up next to a couple of weeks ago after a particularly rum soaked evening and she wouldn’t leave!
b) A wine barrel that holds approximately 239 liters (63 gallons).
Vitas Labrusca
a) Latin term for that part of a woman that gets her really excited if you can find it.
b) A grape varietal native to North America.
Zymology
a) That feeling after you wake up in the morning after a particularly hard night and can’t quite focus.
b) The science of fermentation.
Drip Dickey
c) What happens when you get a case of gonorrhea or syphilis.
d) The name of a white linen napkin when wrapped around the neck of a wine bottle designed to catch any wine spilt before it hits the table.
Manipulant
a) What boys do around the campfire at church camp after hitting puberty.
b) French term for grape grower that makes his own wine; normally associated with grower Champagnes.
Organoleptic
a) What happens to a woman when you do what she wants and you do it very well.
b) A wine tasting term for any event which disrupts your ability to taste; such as the common cold or someone wearing too much (which means any) perfume.
Fiasco
a) What occurs when you drink cheap Chianti in those straw wrapped bottles that you use as candle holders rather than drink the wine.
b) The Italian name for those straw covered bottles that contain cheap Chianti (really, it’s true).
Hee, hee. As I said, it wasn’t my idea to run this one again, just consider it my Christmas gift to you. Have a merry and a happy!
That’s it for this week, so remember – wine a bit, you’ll feel better.
[livemarket market_name="KONK Life LiveMarket" limit=3 category=“” show_signup=0 show_more=0]
No Comment