The Sir Peter Anderson Story

The Conch Republic helps out the U.S. of A. in a time of need

Part 8

As Told to Mark Howell

In last week’s story, the FBI had come to the Office of the Secretary General 10 days after 9/11. Having read a year-old report wherein the Conch Republic had tried to interest the U.S. in persons getting our passports, Anderson had then turned to them and said, “What can the Conch Republic do for you all today”? He then offered to take them upstairs and show them what we do…

Once upstairs, Anderson says their eyes got as big as saucers. Banker’s box after banker’s box of completed applications filled a closet, immaculately filed and containing a complete record of the applicant and all their vital information (even saliva on the stamps was preserved).

The SAC (Special Agent in Charge) turned to Anderson and said, “We’ll go get a subpoena and come back and get all these records….”

Her partner turned to her and said, “Ray, I think the Secretary would ‘respond positively to a polite request to share his records’”

“Would you?” she said.

“Of course,” replied Anderson. “Anything we can do to help you catch any bad guys, we are front and center.”

“Do you think there are any bad guys in these records?” she asked.

“I know there are illegals in there because, as you read, they told me so,” replied Anderson. “But bad guys? I can’t imagine any self-respecting bad guy wanting a Conch Republic passport. You only draw attention to yourself with our passport.”

Then the Secretary General added: “You guys need to go and get a truck and meet me at our storage facility on Staples Avenue.  We have more than 20,000 applications there. Then we’ll come back here and get these.”

They agreed on this.

Anderson instructed his staff to hastily copy all current and unprocessed applications so the FBI would not put the Conch Republic out of business.

An hour later, they pulled up on the sidewalk in front of the office, loading the boxes there. Up the street comes Dave Burns — pure Conch Republic serendipity.

Anderson said; “Hey, Dave, come meet —” and starts introducing the FBI agents. But his introductions are futile. They start glad-handing each other as the old friends and colleagues that they are.  Anderson says he smiled inside with intensity never before experienced.  He’d chosen the most perfect and credible back-channel in Ambassador Burns.

As they parted ways, Anderson sat at his desk with the SAC across from him.

She said: “Mr. Secretary” — they had all gotten very respectful — “why do you keep such immaculate records for a souvenir passport? This is an expensive process.”

Anderson reared back in his chair and said, “Madam, we are responsible members of the world community and we do due diligence in keeping our records.”

The look she gave him said, “You really are that crazy…”

A final note on this story from Anderson in his own words:

“The Conch Republic would like to thank the FBI for all the hard work and dedication it takes to keep us safe and crime free. The days chronicled in this story were crazy days for us all. America had just been brutally attacked and the entire nation was in a kind of hysteria. We are proud that the Conch Republic passed its tests in those days. We are even more gratified to have established a relationship with the FBI so that when things come across our desk (as they sometimes do) that make us uneasy or nervous, we can bring them to the immediate attention of law enforcement.  No one should be able to use the Conch Republic for nefarious purposes.

“As to the persistent rumor that one of the 9/11 hijackers got a Conch Republic Passport, this is simply not true.  We did issue a passport to a person in New York City named Mohammed Atta. This was not the Mohammed Atta.  In certain parts of the Arab world, this name is as common as “John Smith.”

“We do know that Atta, the Atta, was in Key West.  He had dry cleaning done by the same people who do mine, drank at some of our bars, visited certain adult establishments and generally violated every tenant of his religion while here.  He did not come and get a Conch Republic passport.

“When queried by the press in the midst of that time of national hysteria about this, I responded that no self-respecting terrorist would even want a Conch Republic passport. Believe me, I have presented mine at any number of borders and all that it does is to draw attention to yourself — the last thing a terrorist wants. I also asked the sensationalist press how a Conch Republic passport would stack up against FAA licenses to fly airplanes, the use of flight-school simulators to learn how to maneuver jetliners, the issuance of Florida driving licenses, and a Customs and Immigration that let them come and go as if they owned America.  However, that press would never let the truth get in the way of a sensational story.

“We are proud to be a new form of political subdivision in this world, a ‘Sovereign State of Mind seeking only to bring more Humor, Warmth, and Respect to a world we find in sore need of all three.’

“We like to think we represent what is best about America, ‘People Unafraid to Stand Up to Government Gone Mad With Power.’  In these crying days when habeas corpus has disappeared into the so-called Patriot Act, when some people are too big to fail, much less go to jail after raping the nation, when the so-called job creators are not creating jobs, and our national character descends into the cult of celebrity and the worship of greed; we wish more Americans would look to us: Our One Human Family, our cherished pride, our love of country, and take a lesson. Long live the Conch Republic and long live each and every one of you. Please.”       — Sir Peter Anderson

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