Hey That’s No Way To Say “Hello”
By Jeff Johnson And Paula Forman
Dear Short Answers:
I recently sent out invitations for a dinner party that I was planning and I just didn’t feel like getting into the hassle of everybody’s ridiculous dietary restrictions these days. So I included a note listing what I was planning to serve and at the bottom of the note I put, “If your diet prohibits you from eating these items, please don’t hesitate to decline.” Most people accepted but a few wrote back with very nasty notes basically telling me that I shouldn’t be having a dinner party if I couldn’t accommodate everybody’s “special” needs. Was I right? Or was I being a rude host?
JG
Dear JG:
Yes, rude. Sounds very unwelcoming.
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED
Dear Short Answers:
There is a guy who lives in my town who has hit a patch of bad luck. He hasn’t worked for a couple of years and his wife walked out on him. I felt really bad for him so I hired him for some handyman-type work around my house. First of all, he wasn’t cheap. I know I should have asked for a price upfront but I didn’t. And second, his work was terrible. The door he fixed, felt off the hinges two days later. And I’m still finding splotches of paint where he should have used a drop cloth. Now I’m in a quandary. Should I ask for part of my money back — or just never hire him again? I did this to help him out — but I don’t want to get shafted in the process.
Mr. Nice Guy
Dear Mr. Nice Guy:
You did the right thing. Now forget it. Don’t discuss it and don’t hire him again.
SMOKE SIGNALS
Dear Short Answers:
My girlfriend seems to get upset whenever I’m scheduled to hang out with any personal friend of mine that isn’t her. The other day I called in an order for food and told my girlfriend I was waiting for someone to meet me at my home so they could take the ride to pick up the food with me. My girlfriend then rushed to get off the phone with me. When I asked what was wrong, she simply said, “It doesn’t matter. You’re going to do what you please anyway.” And she continued to be short with me until we hung up the phone. What is going on here?
Indirect
Dear Indirect:
Well, it definitely sounds like something is wrong. Maybe she is overly possessive and maybe you are insufficiently attentive. A conversation about expectations seems in order.
TRY, TRY AGAIN
Dear Short Answers:
What are the chances of quitting smoking after 45 years of smoking a pack a day?
Scared and Smoking
Dear S&S:
You can do it and you should!!! Talk to your doctor. If you are motivated, this is a solved problem. It’s difficult but doable and there medications that can help. We wish you luck!
A TALMUDIC DEBATE
Dear Short Answers:
Is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all?
Have Loved and Lost
Dear Have:
Yes, Much Better.
Life is complicated. “Short Answers” isn’t.
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RE: JG and the dinner party. Your unappreciative guests are the rude ones.
It seems a sign of the times that simple social graces are disappearing in this self-centered, all-about-me world. Call me old school but when I receive an invitation to dinner, I feel honored rather than entitled. If my host/hostess enjoys my company enough to invite me into their home and prepare my meal, I am THANKFUL for WHATEVER is placed on the table. My dietary restrictions are MY problem to solve. I can simply send a POLITE decline if I lack options. Bringing my own entrée is not only a simple solution but adding to the feast is generally viewed by most as a kind gesture of appreciation for having been invited. It also serves as a polite way to quietly reveal your preference to your host/hostess who may remember and consider it in a future invitation. Your effort will show you care more about enjoying the company of friends rather than whining about why the meal isn’t “all about me.”
Notwithstanding, I would have left out the line in the invitation about not hesitating to decline. It does have a connotation of “take it or leave it.” It was an unnecessary message that left yourself open to rude and hurtful remarks for your otherwise thoughtful gesture to folks you obviously care about. It’s better to allow your guests to accept or decline without condition or explanation.
Where I come from, friends who pipe up about your rudeness for not accommodating them in this way aren’t the friends you want and probably shouldn’t have been invited in the first place. Your real friends are the ones who will stay and help you do the dishes afterwards!