by Scott McCarthy & Kimberley Denney
Gadabout and Bitchin’ Paradise have joined forces to help the human race. So many think of us as their voice of reason. We are here for you. We are experts on everything: grooming, relationships, automotive, etc. Send us your questions!
Dear She Said, Gay Said:
I’ve met someone I’m kind of interested in, but I’m not sure if I’m interested enough to pursue a romantic relationship. What should I do?
Signed, Unsure in Stock Island
I’m glad you asked because I am an expert on relationships… I’ve had like a hundred of them. They usually begin online exchanging pictures of our of genitals and end with a cab ride in the morning, preferably to the airport. I know, it’s not exactly Christian Mingle but it’s the perfect relationship. Always fresh.
Don’t let the fact that I’m old and alone fool you; I know of which I speak. Cut and run just merely because you are questioning it. Dump him the very second that you see the most minor flaw because it will only get worse…exponentially. Don’t walk, run! Move on and keep looking. If you don’t like the way he flosses, dump him!
My most recent relationship lasted 5 months. That’s a long term relationship in my world (known as LTR online). We all know how much it’s sucks to break up with someone so I just had the police come and do it for me. Yeah, just came and took him away. I think it was criminal trespass or something like that. It was validating when 5 cops agree that ‘it’s HIM and not Me’. Who needs Oprah to sort this shit out?
You know what, the more I think about this forget love relationships altogether. Your good friends are your best companions and just bang strangers or masturbate for the other stuff.
If you read my recent columns, I highly advise that you don’t even agree to a date before you have a serious makeout session with your potential paramour. There’s no point wasting precious hours on a date if he is a bad kisser. But let’s say he’s at least a decent kisser (like, he doesn’t lick your teeth or jam his tongue into your tonsils at perfectly pulsed two-second intervals) and you go on the date. First of all, if he offers to split the check, excuse yourself to the bathroom and don’t look back. Let’s assume though that your date is a gentleman (or gentlewoman) and grabs the tab: you have got to see what he tips. Anything less than 20% and you should walk away. Also it is not a good sign when he looks at 30-something women at the bar and calls them dinosaurs.
Okay, maybe you’ve made it past this stage, and he’s at your house (which I do not advise) and now you’re between the sheets. A few friends of mine were discussing some cringeworthy behavior that also screams RUN (which is why you should not be at your own house): he moans your name as he climaxes; as you climax he says creepy things like, oh, that’s so beautiful; he tells you that you have a great body…you just need to tone up a bit; he tries to “accidentally” sneak into your back door; or, he assumes he is invited to stay the night.
Based on past experience I would say run when a guy tells you he loves you on the second date, or buys a new house within three months of your dating and shows you where he thinks the nursery should be. Or when he asks for “Kimmer” time.
Does this sound totally shallow? Well, now you know why I will die alone.
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